Repent ye! Repent ye!

I’ve learned an incredible lesson the last couple of weeks.

Being a missionary is a big responsibility. We are called by the Lord to “stand in his place … to say and do what he himself would say and do if he personally were ministering to the people to whom he has sent [us]” (Elder Bruce R. McConkie). I can tell you quite honestly that I fall short of that every day. It can really start to weigh on you, all the times that you don’t quite do enough or don’t quite get it right. It’s hard to face the eternal consequences of the work of salvation. Even the little mistakes start to add up.

But this week I’ve been doing something different. Every night, as I pray before going to sleep, I spend some time thinking about those little things that I missed. I ask my Heavenly Father for forgiveness for specific things, not just the lump sum of falling short. Each and every little thing I can think of, I take the time to make right with the Lord.

I can’t say that I’m finding fewer little things, and I know I’m not finding all the little things. But I’m trying. And when I wake up in the morning I feel good. I feel clean. I feel more worthy to have the Holy Ghost as my companion.

I’ve learned these last couple of weeks that repentance is not just for big sins, it’s also for all the little things that we know we could have done better. And repentance isn’t painful or fearful, it’s the most peaceful, joyful thing we can do.

I know that Jesus Christ came into this world to suffer for our sins and to make it possible for us to be healed of spiritual pain. I know that He loves us. I know that He will lead me back to my Heavenly Father. And I know that all of this depends on my willingness to act and to apply the atonement to my life. I’ve been working harder on that, and I want to recommend it to all of you. Repent! Not because you’re afraid of the consequences of big sin, but because it will take away the burden of little stones that has built upon your back.

Healed, but not Cured

I was so touched by this story that I read on mormon.org:

When I was seventeen, I started my senior year of high school running varsity cross country. One clear Saturday morning, we went to a meet a couple cities away. I didn’t feel poorly before the race began, and I ran my best ever for a while. Then I began to feel like I was going to faint. I pushed that feeling aside with all my might, while praying that if I had to go down that I would not faint somewhere I might be seriously hurt. As I reached my coaches part way through the course, I collapsed on the black top.

This was my first faint, and the first indication that I had a chronic, incurable disorder called neurocardiogenic syncope, a part of dysautonomia. It changed my life dramatically, forcing me to finish high school from home and delay college. I lost my identity, my independence, and my friends. But I did not lose my faith in Christ.

My greatest comfort during that time was reading and talking of Christ. I particularly loved the stories of the New Testament where he healed the lame, the blind, the woman with the issue of blood. I remember praying earnestly that I too had sufficient faith to be healed. I pleaded for my life back. I desired to be taken up in His arms and made whole.

As much time passed, I realized that He had healed me, not cured me. I accepted that though He had the power to cure me, He had chosen not to at this time. As my mother taught when she cried with me at my bedside, Christ is the only one who understands what I go through. If He knows that I need this ever present governor to develop me into who He needs me to be, then I accept. And that has made all the difference.

In the Book of Mormon is the story of a people who were in bondage, and they suffered a lot. They were threatened with death just for praying, but they didn’t stop calling upon God. They prayed in their hearts night and day for release. God didn’t free this people right away, but He did “ease the burdens which [were] put upon [their] backs,” and He “did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease” (Mosiah 24: 14-15)

I know that God hears our prayers. Even when we can’t see the answer right away, we can trust that He is working for our good. And that trust may not cure us, but it can heal us.